There is so much pain. So much death and destruction. The grief of loss is overwhelming. For years vile words were spewed like hot lava from an erupting volcano, burning and charring as they fell. Those I loved often speaking the harshest of words as they said their truths in jest. Those I vowed to be loyal to in this life, turning their backs on me and betraying trust. Those who I gave my all, squashing my moments deeming them as unworthy and unvaluable. The ones I chose to protect me leaving me abandoned, burdened and beaten down. The loss of all dear to me causing my world to go black as the night. Pain of the emotional, physical, mental and sexual abuse rendering me helpless, hopeless and broken beyond repair. My moments, my years, my future, my dreams all stolen from me.
The blinding pain causing irrational choices. Choices that lead to deeper wounding. The empty place where my soul used to reside seeking in a frenzied state to be filled with any thing it could find. More choices leading to deeper wounding.
They should pay for the crippling damage they have inflicted on me! This injustice on my life must be settled. It is unfair! I have done nothing wrong. I have to get it all back! Those moments were mine – my moments, my dreams, my life. I’m so angry at what has been said and done! So angry, that my insides shake with an immeasurable pain. THIS IS NOT THE LIFE I WANTED!!! How dare they? How dare they….
I’m Always Right
Above you read my words. My internal emotion and dialogue. They weren’t random thoughts on this topic rather a glimpse into my experience.
For decades I knew I was right. I’m always right. [insert cough here] Well, in all seriousness I was one of those people who could never be wrong. As an adult who had two bad marriages and a messed up life, I felt even more strongly that I was right. All of my pain boiled down to what had been done to me. My offenders were always wrong.
Perception is Reality. Our vantage point, our perception, becomes our reality. It is what we accept as truth so we are always right. Flip the game board around and do you not now see a new vantage point? Yes. But, funny how we don’t see it that way in the day to day moments of our lives.We only see a fragment of the scene, a moment in time of OUR life, yet we pretend to be all knowing and all seeing.
What if, we owned our story – our choices and resulting consequences – and then looked again at the game board of our lives. Would we still say we are always right?
I am in no way suggesting others have not wronged us. Rather, we have made our own choices at times that led us to these places of pain. We participated in the conversations. We made allowances for the wrong people to stay in our lives. We made excuses for their behaviors allowing them to continue. We made allowances for ourselves so we didn’t have to deal with it when we should have.
I’m going to tell you right now that if it is justice you seek you are wasting your time. Human justice is flawed. Full of revenge, he-said-she-said, perspectives of uninvolved parties, a system without compassion refereeing our personal lives. There is no justice.
Pursuing your own brand of justice will leave you more angry, more bitter, more broken and still lacking any solution to your situation. In fact, it will only take it to a darker, unresolved place.
The only justice you can ever have is to just simply let it go.
Whether it is words or actions that have wounded us, they become tied to our ankles like cement blocks. We drag them around every day with us scraping the ground, getting heavier with every step. We grow heavy, weary, exhausted. Refusing to cut ourselves loose from them because the other person has to pay and I need the reminder to never let them forget just what they have done.
Who is hurting who here?
The heavy weight of the blocks increases over time – we are weaker and mysteriously the blocks get heavier. We sink below the water. Drowning. Fighting for air. Kicking with all of our might to get back to the top. Our lungs feel as though they will burst.
Even with the knife in hand to cut the cord, we sit in our stubbornness refusing to save ourselves as we slip into the dark abyss with our life fading away.
It’s All About Me
This is all about you. Not the other person. Not the tragedy that occurred. Not the trauma you experienced at the hand of another. Just you and your desire to live life fully alive.
When we bind ourselves to our wounds, to the person who has hurt us, we do ourselves a great disservice. We are the ones that continue to suffer. And, we create that environment for ourselves. Blaming the other person won’t make you feel any better. Blaming yourself won’t make you feel any better. It also will not bring back what was taken from you. It will not revive the past and alter it.
This is not about who is right and who is wrong. Who screwed up and who did not. It is about whether you will do the right thing and set yourself free. Choose life over death. Choose to forgive.
I Get It
You may think I don’t understand and you would be wrong. I have been betrayed, abandoned, cheated on, accused, sliced with words, beat down, strangled, left unprotected, used, unloved, not valued, humiliated, degraded and more. I was dying inside from the wounds. Bleeding out. An empty shell bereft in a sea of darkness.
I had enough. I wanted to live. I cut the cord to my cement blocks and put air back in my lungs. I forgave every person who had done wrong to me in my life. Every single undeserving one. And then I forgave myself, the least deserving of all. I eradicated the poison coursing through my veins.
Forgiving others and ourselves is not easy. If it were, everyone would do it immediately. It is painful and difficult. But, the freedom that exists in forgiveness will allow you to soar.
Our next post will explain exactly how we can do this, a road map for your journey to forgive.